One of the challenges with communication is that, most of the time, it’s something we do unconsciously. In fact, our brains work so fast that we often don’t even realize all of the commands that it is sending out on our behalf.

In that sense, it’s like breathing – you do it thousands of times a day without thinking, and then when someone sits you down and asks you to consciously think about your breathing and put thoughtful effort into it, suddenly it’s a completely new experience.

This challenge is especially acute with one essential communication skill: listening. Our brains are so thoroughly wired to direct an immediate action in response to words or phrases we hear, that often we are completely fooled by an inaccurate assumption we make about the context or intent behind those words.

This is just as challenging for those who teach and coach others to improve their communication skills (i.e. people like me!). You just never know when your mind is going to run directly from assumption to action without pausing for context.

For a number of years, I have had the pleasure of building a business relationship with the team at a London-based company that specializes in providing sales training for large corporations. Recently, one of my London-based colleagues visited the United States and we had planned to connect in person while he was stateside. As a result, I recently found myself enjoying a meal in Philadelphia with my British colleague while we had a “proper catchup” together.

In the course of the conversation, we naturally talked about what to eat. I mentioned that I was going to “splurge” and get dessert. “Splurge??”, my colleague said, to which I replied, “Yes, splurge. You know, indulge. Treat myself.” Splurge was a word my friend had never heard before. Yet it is everyday language for me. Fortunately, we quickly cleared up the confusion…and yes, I did enjoy dessert.

It made me think about the fact that many a misunderstanding has its root in the fact that we all interpret words and phrases according to our own context based on past experience. Our culture, and the country we live in, plays a big part in shaping our interpretations.

But it goes deeper than that, and my meeting with a British colleague made that very clear. After all, we both communicate using the same language! And yet, I am ever reminded that although we all speak English, we do not truly speak the same language – and it goes way beyond British English vs. U.S. English. After all, it’s not just words but phrases, cultural references and even tone or intonation that can create confusion.

At least with the Brits, I expect the occasional odd (to me) expression to appear that I vaguely understand, like “a proper catchup.”

Is that a “correct, tomato condiment to put on my burger?”

No, it couldn’t be, but I’m certain there is a logical explanation, so I ask. I’ve been known to teach my British colleagues an expression or two as well (like splurge).

But think about it: The obvious ‘odd’ expression is easy to be curious about, and chances are you none of us would hesitate to speak up and ask for clarification. Those conversations are often wrought with laughter and lots of give and take. The result is deeper connections and the occasional ‘inside joke’ that permeates across future conversations — as had been the case with ‘splurge’.

With my U.S. colleagues, different interpretations of words and events are just as prevalent, but less obvious (or not obvious at all) and therefore less likely to be questioned. Without the dialogue of Q and A, there is too much room for misunderstanding — and being oblivious to it, or worse, assigning a negative value judgment that is based on incomplete data (data which I conjure solely from the context of my own experience without the benefit of input from the other person).

That’s why, even when you speak with others from the same language, nation, culture, region or subgroup, it’s invaluable to stop and ask for clarification. One effective way to do this is to pause and say, “So I think what I heard you say was…” and then paraphrase the key points back to the speaker for verification.

If you did this just once in every business meeting you attend, two things would no doubt happen: First, you’d make the other person feel instantly engaged and appreciated just by asking them the question. And second, you’d discover subtle but serious misunderstandings more often than you’d ever think possible. At least now, you have a chance to correct them (both in your own mind, and in theirs).

Interestingly, the regular interactions I have with my British colleagues serves as an invaluable form of exercise for my mind. It helps keep me ‘on my toes’, reminding me to ask for clarification as I find myself wondering, “What does that really mean…?” and so as to not make assumptions that undermine our relationships. I am grateful for our differences because they cause me to learn constantly, and learning is a “high” that I’m addicted to.

That’s why, whether it’s a shared laugh over the meaning of ‘catchup’ or a show-stopping question about what a ‘splurge’ is, these moments give us a friendly spot-check to slow down our automatic responses and try to reign in our natural tendency to jump from assumption to action. Make sure to make time in your business (and personal) relationships for a gut-check moment or two, and take that extra moment to ensure that your communication is as much conscious as it is consistent.